As a leader, naturally you want to be sympathetic to your team’s struggles. You want them to know you care, and see them as whole people rather than cogs in a machine.

But is it enough to be sympathetic? Or are forward-thinking leaders aiming higher than that?

Sympathy vs empathy

So what does sympathy actually mean? In basic terms, it’s the ability to recognise someone’s experiences.

Say someone in your team tells you they’re currently struggling with their workload. Their partner has become seriously ill, and suddenly they have significant caring responsibilities at home and are dealing with anxiety about the future.

As a sympathetic leader, your response might be: “I can see you’re in pain. That sounds like a tough situation.”

How does empathy differ? It comes from a place of shared experience. An empathetic leader can go from “I see your pain” to “I understand your pain,” showing vulnerability. Though you may not have had exactly the same experience, empathy is about finding points of commonality, and reaching a hand out to the person who needs you.

An empathetic leader’s response, then, might be: “I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve been in a similar situation, and I know it may have been hard for you to share something so painful with me. Thank you for doing so.”

The limits of sympathy and empathy

There’s a place for both sympathy and empathy. But each has its pitfalls, too.

Sympathy can be patronising and unhelpful. As Brené Brown points out in her RSA talk on empathy, sympathy often comes across as looking down into the dark hole where someone’s fallen and saying “ooh… it’s bad, huh?”

Worse still, sympathy often features attempts to find the silver lining. Brown eloquently notes that “sometimes, in the face of very difficult conversations, we try to make things better. […] The truth is, rarely can a response make something better.”

But empathy, too, has its limits. In pointing out your own similar experiences, you run the risk of making the conversation all about you. You might also end up misunderstanding their situation, as you’re seeing it through the filter of your own. “Well I got through it by doing X, so I’m sure you can too.”

Sometimes you simply haven’t experienced what they have. If someone faces workplace discrimination which is linked to a characteristic you don’t have, don’t assume you can imagine how they feel. Just listen to them, trust them, bring in people who can understand if possible, and work with them to address the issue.

Of course, this situation might occur more often in diverse teams, the benefits of which I’ve written about many times on my blog.

Red flag phrases

There are a few responses you should look out for in these situations. If you sense one on the tip of your tongue, it’s a good sign that you should take a step back.

One is the word “just”. This often comes up when we’re minimising people’s feelings, or assuming there’s an easy way out. In the Harvard Business Review article Stop Telling Women They Have Imposter Syndrome, the writer observes that valid experiences of bias and exclusion are often explained away as “just imposter syndrome”. The implication, of course, is that the problem is their mindset – not the very real systemic barriers they’re facing.

A few other red flags include:

“Though I’m sympathetic to your position…”

“I’ve never found that…”

The rest of the team doesn’t seem to mind…”

And, as Brené Brown observes, “Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with ‘at least…’”

Levelling up to compassionate leadership

There is one more level, if you want to be the best leader you can be: compassion.

This means combining emotional and practical responses. If sympathy is “I see you’re in pain” and empathy is “I’ve felt that pain too”, compassion is “I hear you – now let’s see if we can alleviate your pain.”

The Compassion Research Lab has an excellent video on the subject. As they explain, compassionate leaders “aren’t afraid to engage you in your suffering. They understand you and what you actually need – not just what they would want if they were in your shoes. Most important of all, they actually do something to improve your situation.”

So how might a compassionate leader respond to the employee with sudden care responsibilities? Perhaps by temporarily delegating some of the team member’s tasks, or even offering them a period of paid leave. Maybe by adjusting their work hours, if those care responsibilities fall at certain times. And they might schedule a weekly check-in chat.

“Sympathy, empathy and compassion may seem similar,” says the Compassion Research Lab, “but for those experiencing suffering the differences are obvious and impactful.”